I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
