Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
