I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
