My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
