He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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