hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
