I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
