Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
