You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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