I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
