bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
