Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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