Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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