i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
