I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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