I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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