I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
my being single is dangerous.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
