Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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