My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
