i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
