I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
