Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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