Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
