Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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