Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
