We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
