I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
