i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
