getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
