Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
