Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
