I accidentally burped into my bong.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
