if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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