If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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