i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
