smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
