How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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