so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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