What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
