3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
