Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
