hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
