fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
