so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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