you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
As shirtless as possible
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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