I'm drive I can fine osifer
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
