So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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