You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
