my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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