How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
